Her Faith Thrives

I was fighting a battle of the mind. It was very intense, and I felt like I would never win. Anxiety can feel like a voice screaming every accusation, negative outcome, and possible failure with such consistency that it is hard to hear anything else.  I had done everything to silence that voice. I had prayed, read my bible, gone to counseling, seen a doctor, changed my eating, sleeping, exercising but I was still struggling and very discouraged.  Mornings were getting progressively harder. It’s hard to get up and go into a day when you know you will spend most of it just trying to remember how to do the basics – ignore the shouting critic and get dressed, ignore the shouting critic and show up. The problem was that it was an internal battle and not an external one. I could quit the stressful job, I could stop trying to do things I didn’t feel good at, I could shrink my world to what felt manageable but the shouting critic was not in those things, she was in my head. 

This battle of the mind went on for weeks with mixed victory. I knew I needed to stay consistent with what was right and eventually the shouting critic would be silenced.  I continued to pray consistently about anxiety and God began to speak.  He showed me the magnitude of His power over the shouting critic who had been intimidating me. With God’s help, I could choose to reject fear and embrace His power, love, and the ability to think clearly (2 Timothy 1:7). Every time the shouting critic would make her accusations, God faithfully reminded me that hers was not the voice of truth, only His was. I had to choose to believe God despite how much the shouting critic influenced my emotions.  I started experiencing moment by moment, deliberate, slow victory. Have you struggled with a similar battle of the mind?

“My son, do not take the Lord’s discipline lightly
or lose heart when you are reproved by him,
for the Lord disciplines the one he loves…” Hebrews 12: 5-6 CSB

One of my favorite books is Insanity of God by Nik Ripken in which he talks about his missionary experiences in a few countries hostile to the gospel. The author told story after story about how those called to faith in certain countries, paid for their faith with their lives.  It was sobering, to realize that even though the author believed that the gospel was worth his life, he had to ask and answer an unthinkable question – is this message worth someone else’s life?  He was committed to giving the life-giving gospel message, but the reality was that anyone who accepted it incurred a death sentence.  He wrestled with this reality reflectively in the book, I wrestled with it vicariously through his reflections. I was humbled by the realization that choosing to believe in Jesus costs many their lives, but I can choose to believe in Jesus and keep my life.  

I read the Insanity of God about six years ago and have never forgotten that pivotal and sobering message – living for Jesus is worth losing life on this earth.  Yet to be honest applying it to everyday life outside of the author’s context has been difficult. Because of the gravity of the author’s situation I find it easy to dismiss the daily sacrifice I am called to. It seems to me that unless I can make a huge gesture like dying for the gospel every other sacrifice is trivial. I wish that meant that I was faithful with the smaller trials that I face.  However, unfortunately, I tend to trivialize my trials and ignore the opportunity to practice faithfulness. This is a form of self-deception because I am overwhelmed by my seemingly small trials but embarrassed about feeling overwhelmed, so I trivialize and ignore them instead of facing them head on.

Growth is a call to die to oneself. A call on the life of every believer in every circumstance. A call I often reject wanting a more sophisticated call.  My rejection of growth in seemingly small moments is the true essence of spiritual procrastination. My heart says I will obey when life is difficult in a different way but in my current overwhelming difficulty, I choose to ignore the call to grow.

“Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every hindrance and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us” Hebrews 12:1 CSB

While I was fighting vicious unrelenting anxiety, my Savior asked me to fix my gaze on Him. Jesus faced the ultimate fear, gruesome death on a cross for crimes He did not commit. Even if my fears were realized completely, I would not be traveling a road Jesus had not traveled before.  Jesus had fought this battle both in His own experience, sweating blood as He considered death on a cross, and with me in my struggle with anxiety.

Christ suffered on the cross and endured it because of the hope He had. He knew He would be victorious; He knew He would reconcile God and man through this cruel death, and He kept that hope firmly in mind as He bore physical, emotional, and mental anguish.  God is not asking us to do anything in our own strength, instead He asks us to let Him strengthen us for the life He has called us to. God is ultimately victorious, and we can walk in similar victory even though it is a moment by moment, slow, deliberate, unfolding victory.

Growth can sometimes be an unglamorous, crushing, invisible battle of the mind.  However, we can experience victory as we look to Jesus and see the trajectory of our hardships in light of His experience.

“keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith. For the joy that lay before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:2 CSB

Reflection Questions

Growth: Is there an area where you are struggling to live well?

Connection:  Bring this area to the Lord in prayer and then prayerfully consider talking about it with a friend.

Gratitude: One of the hardest things to do is thank God in the midst of a struggle but when we do, He becomes bigger than the struggle! Take some time and do that. Thank Him for His sovereignty, His help (either that you are experiencing or that is coming). Thank Him for his character (goodness, love, kindness etc.)

For Further Encouragement

Were you encouraged by this blog post? I would love to connect with you on our special Her Faith Thrives Newsletter which goes out every other month. In each newsletter, I share a short reflection about how I’m growing in my faith during this season of life. Plus, I’ll be sending you some fantastic resources to inspire and guide you on your own faith journey. When you subscribe, you will receive my all-time favorite tool for making your Daily Quiet Time truly meaningful. It’s called “From Routine to Reverence: 3 Simple Steps to a Deeper Daily Quiet Time.” I can’t wait to hear how it helps you deepen your time in God’s Word.